Dating Anxiety...

Dating for me has always held a lot of anxiety and when I say a lot I mean A LOT. Those first few dates until you know that the guy is actually really interested in you seriously stress me out, heck the time leading up to actually being asked out stresses me out. Part of the reason for this is the fact I tend to over think things, my brain as hard as I try does not shut off most of the time so when I am not occupying it with other stuff it comes up with its own things to think about. These are usually the things that I don’t want to dwell on; ie a criticism from a person, how crappy it is to be single, something stupid/embarrassing  I said, and of course how I acted around a guy I might actually like. I have gotten a little better about it over the years but it still ties my stomach up in knots.

                I know a lot of the problem is the fact I never got to practice at the whole guy/girl social interaction thing as a teenager. I was homeschooled from 6^th grade on up and living out in the country did not provide me with other people my age to develop social skills around. I could talk to adults with ease but you put me in front of a cute guy my age and I was a blushing stammering mess. I remained socially awkward into my mid-twenties and some of that awkwardness is still there I just manage to mask it well. I also had a huge low self-esteem problem and the few guys I dated did not help it at all.

                My first boyfriend never would admit we were together to our friends or anybody else.  The second always avoided taking me out on a date and just wanted to try and get in my pants. Then I met the man that would become my future ex-husband and the problems in that relationship a psychiatrist could write several books on. I had to have my self-esteem totally torn apart before realizing how unhealthy our relationship was and start anew. In the five or so years since I have rebuilt myself, restored much of my self-esteem and made many changes in my life. I like the person I am now better than the person I use to be. Also in those five years I have attempted to date, rather unsuccessfully most of the time.

                 Being the socially awkward person I was (and still am at times) and being rather shy around the opposite sex I attempted online dating. Talking to people with a computer screen between us was much easier for me at the time.  Over the years I have talked to, held long distance relationships, and even met a few of the guys. Out of that experience I have had several onetime flings, a few dates, a 4 month relationship and one boy toy, I also became jaded and disillusioned by the whole mess. Most of the guys on the dating sites are looking for a quick fling and not a relationship. They are also usually looking for girls that look like Barbie dolls. The ones that are interested never seem to be my type. I can hear you guys out there right now saying, “well there is your problem your too picky you’re looking for a specific type of guy,” and yes in a way that is kind of true but mostly it’s not.

                I have dated several different guys, some of them where not what I would term my type,  I mainly went out with them because of loneliness..  The biggest thing I found lacking in most of them was intelligence.  I know I am not a typical girl and perhaps that is why it is hard for me to find someone compatible.   Sure I prefer tall, stocky guys with dark hair but I have dated just about everybody type but more than anything I find intelligence, sarcasm, and humor sexy. But I have gotten off topic; we are here to talk about dating anxiety not my perfect guy.  

Dating is the one thing that has not gotten an easier as I have gotten older, in fact it is harder now that I have figured out who I am because who I am can be a little overwhelming at first because I am no longer the shy, reserved person I once was. I worry about whether I should tone down my makeup and hair and there is always the hassle of what I should wear. I have never been the girl to be comfortable in a dress and I can’t walk in heals. I worry that I will ramble too much and then afterward I worry that I did ramble too much. Because I have been dumped so many times by the ignoring method I worry if he doesn’t call or text right away and have to make myself step back and not push too much. I will knot myself up inside for days after a date wondering if he actually liked me or not. Occasionally I will make the first move and ask a guy out that really interests me. Then I worry and fret over where should we go? What should we do? Will he be offended if I pay or does he expect it? Will he like where I picked? Am I trying to hard? Is he really into me or just agreed to go out with me to be nice? I will make myself a wreck as the insecurities and doubts play on and on inside my head.

Finally the worst part about dating is I have become jaded about it. The worst case scenarios have happened so many times to me that I expect them to happen again. I expect the guy to just be looking to get laid. I have come to figure he won’t call me later and I expect to not get a reply text. Because of this I don’t put myself out there so scared of being rejected and hurt and with that comes the biggest dating anxiety of all, the fear of always being alone.